IF IT'S A POISON, YOU'VE THE PERMISSION TO POISON ME...

"Because this' all I've always needed and this' all I'll always need"

I remember nearly two decades ago I had my grandpa who was not able to communicate well due to aging…He forgot lots and most times did not really know what was best for him. We had to struggle to find what kind of help he needed since he couldn’t articulate…He used to come home; my dad would not necessarily feed him, but help him eat. I took turns with my siblings and relatives to walk grandpa back to his house. It was really hard to guess what grandpa needed, I remember this other day there was a soccer game that I wanted to watch so bad, but grandpa had to be walked home hours before the game…I got on the road with him…We reached one point where he suddenly stopped, I thought it was a sign of fatigue and I asked if he wanted to sit down for a rest, but he didn’t want to sit down nor did he want to continue the walk. I don’t remember if he sat with me or not, but I remember us stopping for quite a longtime…Again, I was not sure what grandpa needed and it was somehow straining to figure it out...especially when I really wanted to get back home in time for soccer which was my god then (but this isn't the focus of this note...)

I started with this story as a way of passing the fact that there comes a time in life where we really don’t know or we are not able to articulate to friends/relatives the kind of assistance we need. This can be caused by aging, illness or sometimes just too much stress.

It’s Monday morning after I spent a weekend at a conference and had left much work to be done for the week…I really want to finish my undergrad with high marks…I want to secure a job as soon as possible, this means I need to get my school work done and I need to throw a million more job applications, but there’s one thing I should mention out there: one thing more important than my school work, job applications and such…

“If someday I will be deaf and paralyzed that I won’t be able to say a word or be able to lift up my hands and point at what I want or need, there’s ONE THING I will always need. There’s ONE DRUG I give you permission to overdose me with that day that I won’t be able to say a word. I will likely be a nuisance and at times you’ll just want me to sleep so you can have fun with life as I sleep, if that will be the case, there’s ONE LULLABY which will always send me to bed. If I happen to be so cranky and not willing to talk to anyone, please don’t send me to a psychiatric or a counselor, there’s ONE PERSON who knows me better and knows how to deal with me in any situation. There’ll be a time where you’ll try everything to keep me in control, once it all fails, this ONE will do: JESUS … Deny me anything else, but give me JESUS. This is what has always kept me insane and this’ what will always keep me sane, JESUS…If JESUS is some kind of Poison, still I say you’ve my permission to give me this Poison and this note will serve you as an evidence to prove that you’ll never be charged guilty…Remember JESUS is all I’ll need because JESUS is all I have always needed”